Dean, 31, knows first hand what it’s like to have a problem with sex and drugs, to get help, and come out the other side.
Over a four year period I developed an escalating 'addiction' to sex on drugs. There were two years when I never had sex without being on something. I know a lot of people have sex on drugs to escape from something but for me I was just greedy for sex and greedy for drugs. And it was never just one drug. I could get through G, coke, ketamine, acid and crystal meth in one night, plus Viagra!
Several times it ended in trips to hospital, but that didn’t stop me. In the end there were a few things that acted as wake-up calls. I got HIV. At the time even that didn’t bother me too much. It was later that I started dealing with the fall-out. Then one time during a threesome I looked into a bloke’s eyes and there was nothing there, no emotion, nothing. And I knew my eyes would look the same to him. It was a real moment of clarity. Another time I had mind blowing sex on crystal but with a guy who looked so ravaged from the drug that I thought, 'I don’t want to end up like you. And if I carry on doing this, I could.'
I was having sex not because I wanted it but because I could. It could often be frustrating, fucking like a rabbit for hours but not even being able to come because of the drugs.
I wanted things to change but felt tied into the scenario. I was in an open relationship and didn’t know how to escape the whole sex-on-drugs thing, pick-ups from the internet and so on. Counselling was my life line. It helped me see things that I hadn’t seen were there. I started on a long journey out of my unhealthy relationship with drugs and sex.
It was important for me to give up drugs for quite a while. I couldn’t trust myself to do 'just a little'. And I started a new relationship. I had to learn from scratch how to socialise and have sex sober. I’m still learning. I still freak out in clubs sometimes, or feel I need a pill or something to cope. So I have to leave quickly before I’m tempted. I still think about sex on drugs even now.
I’ve got to the point where I can have sex on drugs now and then, but I do it to enjoy it, not because I feel I have to. I feel I’m in control. I’ve learned to say no and I can enjoy sex without drugs. Looking back at all the great sex I’ve had on drugs I wonder how much of what was great was actually just in my head. It wasn’t real. At least now I’m aware of what’s happening.
This section is for gay men to share their stories around drug use so that other guys can learn from other’s experiences. If you think you have an interesting story, get in touch with us here.
This article was last reviewed on: 28/10/11
Date due for next review: 28/10/13